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Showing posts from 2013
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“You’re going to have to open up your mind before I tell you a few things about Jackie,” he says, squeezing himself on the bench opposite me, his stomach and Hawaiian shirt rubbing against the table. I open my bottle with my back teeth. He smiles at the trick, so I snatch his and open it in the same fashion. “I’m pretty opened minded,” I say, giving him his ginger ale. “Sure,” he nods, like he gets me, and says, “Your step mum is Jack the Ripper.” I’m quite silent for a while. Even the flies got so surprised, they stopped buzzing. “Maybe I’m not that opened minded,” I admit. “There’s more.” “Like what? She’s also the Loch Ness monster and the Hound of the Baskerville?” “She comes from Outer space.” Someone is supposed to laugh here somewhere. But he doesn’t. He just stares at me blankly like it was all obvious in his head, like the prize of milk. A teen realizes that his evil stepmom is a creature from another world eating, digesting and replicating his entire family. Fre

I want a love like Gomez and Morticia

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My initial dream was so 80s. I wanted to be the class clown for a while, dress weird - mainly in black -, paint my eyes and nails, and then, go out there into the world and meet a monster that would have loved me and that I would have loved back.  We would have exchanged blood, snakes, scratches and bites. She would have called me her favorite abomination. I would have called her my worst nightmare and I would have totally French kissed her under a full moon. We would have got married in a crypt somewhere in Paris on an Halloween Night surrounded by horrendous goons - and then, we would have walked the streets to find an abandoned Manor where we would have lived together until flesh rotted off our bones. Oh. And also, we would have procreated. We would have bred a flock of abnormalities that we would have named and loved no matter how many legs they had. I wanted at least two girls and a Cyclops. We would have been this super sexy dark couple totally into each

5 reasons why being single rocks (a nearly unisex list)

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Here are 5 good reasons to stay (or become) single (again). 1. You are safer Being in a serious relationship is dangerous. Emotionally and Physically. People in serious relationships throw things at each other (true story!), coffee cups, bottles, sharp objects. And that’s just because you didn’t put down the toilet seat. They yell at each other too, all the time. They say things that are so passive aggressive they cut through skin, flesh and bones. Being single, every potential partner is ultra nice to you. Especially on the first dates. They laugh at every word you say, even if you didn’t mean to be funny. They say only good things about you, like they love the color of your sofa or adored your paella. And if they go all Jason Voorhees on you - or just yell at you -, it’s perfectly alright to throw them out or have the police remove them without having to split up your book collection or negotiate the cat custody.  2. You are fitter. If you’re single, you

Love, finally the definite definition

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I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve met tons of good people who don’t believe in love at all. Well, okay, I’ve only met on person like that - but she was terribly meaningful to me and she was also a really good monkey, deep down. But she seems to know a lot of other monkeys who are just like her and think that love is just extra sticky trouble added to an otherwise quite nice evening of heavy humping. The general consensus among those apes is that most people are walking around like perfect idiots looking for love like a bunch of emotional zombies - crawling and limping around, holding their bleeding heart out, trying to find warm bodies and bite off their lips Romero style - but with Adele playing in the background.     They may be right. I don’t know. But surely, to have that discussion, we need a good definition of what LOVE really is, don’t we? You have to buckle up for that one.   I don’t think love is the unbearable attraction between two perso

To Have it and then... to Have it not

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  I met somebody really nice last night at a birthday party. And as per usual with me, before you knew it, all discussions tended to flow toward the definition of romance and relationships. The funny thing when you’re 40 + and you meet with other dogs your own age, all you talk about is kids, divorce, custody, relocation, who get to keep the microwave - and later in the evening, the wine helping maybe, you inevitably go to that more dangerous territory of the downside of romance and the loss of love. When you’re 40, you have at least one HUGE romance behind you. (NB: If you don’t, comment on this post, give me a way to contact you, and we talk).   40 + people, we share that experience of being madly in love with someone, being ready to reschedule our entire existence for that person, abandoning all sense of self to become a “us”, and then, fast forward to many years later and a bunch of kids, when you would gladly strangle that motherf**ker. What happened? Is there

Dating Boot Camp

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You don’t have time to blog. Oh come on, man. You have a mission. You have to get ready. This is not a beginner’s game. It’s at least the 12,000 th time you line up for that ride.  You need to exude confidence and ooze charm like goo coming out of a rotting body. Can you at least use better metaphors! It all started with a victory dance after you hanged up your phone. The person you like and got to known in a biblical sense wants to try the same roller-coaster again. You have like a million things to get right before you join her for another go at the amusement park. Let me think. You have to get fitter, younger, nicer, cleverer, and you have about 4 days to complete all that. Three, four: Confidence! Last time was easy. You didn’t know each other. You didn’t expect anything. You had nothing to prove. It wasn’t a date. It was accidentally colliding into each other at the bar and then finding your way to the beach just by bouncing around into walls a