Dating Boot Camp
You don’t have time to blog. Oh come on, man. You have a mission. You
have to get ready. This is not a beginner’s game. It’s at least the 12,000th
time you line up for that ride.
You need to exude confidence and ooze charm
like goo coming out of a rotting body.
Can you at least use better metaphors!
It all started with a victory dance after you hanged up your phone. The
person you like and got to known in a biblical sense wants to try the same roller-coaster
again. You have like a million things to get right before you join her for
another go at the amusement park.
Let me think.
You have to get fitter, younger, nicer, cleverer, and you have about 4
days to complete all that.
Three, four: Confidence!
Last time was easy. You didn’t know each other. You didn’t expect
anything. You had nothing to prove. It wasn’t a date. It was accidentally colliding
into each other at the bar and then finding your way to the beach just by
bouncing around into walls and people.
Things are different now. Dating is a more
complex sport. It involves expectations, tact, and finesse while holding the
door or ordering freaking shrimps cocktails with the appropriate Chardonnay.
Good thing you don’t believe in the “be yourself” philosophy. Being
yourself is the last thing you want on that menu. When is the last time “being
yourself” got you anything else than catastrophe? Think hard about it. Bring up
all your previous fails. Even the really recent ones. Yeah, that’s right, my
boy. You better start working on your Sean Connery impressions. Shaken not
Stirred! You freaking idiot!
You’re in the wrong movie altogether. You’re Napoleon Dynamite and you
need to cocoon up and butterfly out as Ryan Gosling. And practicing the right
dance move won’t cut it either.
But you have to stop typing this and go do ten hard push-ups... and maybe
grow some extra hair on that balding patch.
Good luck to you.
Comments
Post a Comment